So drunk its hurt
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
