Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
