so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
