i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
