just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
