Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
