genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
