if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
