I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
