What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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