Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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