actually, I'm a sock model
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
