Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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