guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
