You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
