and you said cock pushups were impossible
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
