you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
