We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
