my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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