Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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