What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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