then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
