i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
