I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
