...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
