EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
