Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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