I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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