well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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