If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
