Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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