just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
