fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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