he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
