chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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