kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
