When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
