omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
