i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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