if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
