You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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