my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
