I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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