3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
