She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
