I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
