You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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