Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
