The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize