I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
