Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
