This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
