Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
