I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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