i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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