Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
