2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
