Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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