I wish they made helmets for livers.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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