dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
