Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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