You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
