and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
