I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
