I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's shark week go big or go home
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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