I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
