my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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