White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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