I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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